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  Relatively Normal

  A Novel

  by

  Whitney Dineen

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, locales, and situations are purely the work of the author’s imagination via the voices in her head, even if her mother begs to differ. Any resemblance to people (living, dead, or taxidermied), events, places, etc. is purely coincidental. Honest.

  Copyright © by Whitney Dineen in 2018; All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, copied, scanned, photographed, put on social media, or distributed in printed or electronic form without express permission from the author. But let’s face it, if you loved it, she’s probably going to let you tweet small portions. You still have to contact her first.

  Made in the United States of America

  September 2018

  Ebook Edition

  ISBN-13: 978-0-9988620-4-0

  https://whitneydineen.com/newsletter/

  33 Partners Publishing

  Table of Contents

  Title

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Acknowledgments

  Four Years Ago

  The Courtship

  One Year Later

  Unexpected Gifts

  The Friendly Skies

  When Things Start to Go Wrong

  The Introduction

  In the Light of a New Day

  Yes, It’s Edible

  The Chieftain

  Life on Another Planet

  Surprise!

  Sucker Punched

  Boulders from Heaven

  Dreaming of the Devil

  I’m Thankful for Gin

  Enya Isn’t Scottish

  Make Mine a Double

  Thanks Be, Already

  Feed Me

  It’s a Party, Dammit!

  Timber!

  The Morning After

  Flush!

  When Everything Changes

  So, What do You Do?

  A Tough Nut

  The Beat Goes On

  The Waiting Game

  A New Day

  Goodbyes

  Truce

  Navel Gazing

  No Place Like Home

  She’s Baaack

  Crickets and Apologies

  Zombies, Vampires, and Aliens, Oh My!

  Coffee or Tea, Not Me

  Time to Go

  Follow the Yellow Brick Road

  The Master of the House

  Where Do I Start?

  The Masterton of the House

  Mistress of the Couch

  Distinguished Guests, Families, and Friends . . .

  The Spoiled Apple

  Gathering Stones

  Releasing

  Home

  Reunion

  A New Beginning

  Fistbla

  Pizza Party

  Early to Bed

  M.I.A.

  Party Planning in Alaska

  Painful Afghans

  Mad Money

  The Gift

  Dust Bunnies and Ointment

  Strip Poker and Bingo

  Worst Chaperone Ever

  Douglas, Noble, and Fraser, Oh My!

  Diagnosing Ducks

  Complimenting Crazy

  It all Comes Back to the Chuck and Shuck

  The Family Web

  Running Out of Rope

  If You Can’t Say Anything Nice

  When the Cactus Goes Home

  The Boy Who Owns My Heart

  When Decisions Are Made

  Dead Mice and Other Surprises

  Mystery Guests

  Just When You Think It Can’t Get Any Weirder

  The Unwelcome Guest

  Bleeding Ears and Bagpipes

  When the Bird Leaves the Cage

  Hocus-Pocus and Other Woo-Woo Rubbish

  Vegan Vacation

  Destination Barn Dance

  Finalizing the Future

  The Next Chapter

  About the Author

  Some of us are lucky enough to find the loves of their lives in high school.

  For all of those people, this book is for you.

  Acknowledgments

  The thing I enjoy most about being an author is getting to meet all the crazy characters that pop into my brain. The cast of Relatively Normal not only knew who they were when they introduced themselves to me, they’d already written their story. It only took them three weeks to share it with me.

  There are SO many people to thank for this book, it boggles my mind. First, thank you to my own knight in shining armor, Jimmy. We didn’t meet in high school, but we started dating when I was only twenty. I count myself pretty darn fortunate to have met you so young. You’re my love, father of my children, and inspirer of my dreams. You have my heart forever.

  Thank you to my mom, Libby Bohlen, and dear friend, Beth Boyer, who were the first to lay eyes on this book. Your enthusiasm and support kept me writing deep into the night and on those 4:00 a.m. wake-up calls.

  Diana Orgain, Celia Kennedy, and Kathryn Biel, where do I start? Your suggestions, notes, encouragement, and tough love made this book the best it could possibly be. You make me a better storyteller and I would be nothing without you.

  To the rest of my writing tribe Tracie Bannister, Becky Monson, and Jennifer Peel, thank you for being my foundation. You make time for me whenever I need you, and you offer guidance, and words of wisdom. I owe you more than I can ever repay.

  To my friends at Chick Lit Chat, you rock! No question is too stupid for you to answer, no idea is too ridiculous for you to consider. I’m grateful you’re always there when I need you. Annabella Costa, Sheryl Babin, and Rich Amooi, I’m looking at you!

  Authors would be nothing without bloggers and I’m fortunate to have the support of Melissa Amster and Sara Steven at Chick Lit Central, M.S. Birdlady, A.J. Book Remarks, Bethany Clark, Kate Rock, and Barbara Kahn, to name a few. Your love for authors and books is inspiring!

  To Paula Bothwell, my grammar police, thank you for making me look literate. Thank God you were paying attention in English class while I was apparently day dreaming out the window.

  Finally, thank you to my readers, or as I like to think of you, my partners in crime. You’re the peanut butter to my jelly, the ranch dressing to my salad, and the French fries to my cheeseburger. I adore you!

  I love Cat and her crazy family so much, they’re coming back in another episode in 2019.

  Early Praise for Relatively Normal

  “Relatively Normal by Whitney Dineen is among the best chick lit novels that I have read so far. Not only did it give me a long hearty laugh on many occasions, but the story also comes together splendidly. The unpredictable turns of the plot are adeptly created to grip the attention of any reader. Paired with the humor, the book makes for a must-read for anyone with an appreciation of romantic comedies.” —5/5 Stars, Readers Favorite

  “Relatively Normal is a piss-yourself, hold-on-to-your-belly, catch-your-breath, and spill-your-pint-tale. This story is hilarious, off the wall, daft, and you can picture each and every event as it’s being unfolded in your mind’s eye. This was my first read by Whitney Dineen, but will not be my last. Thinking we should be bancharaids.” —A.J. Book Remarks

  “Whitney Dineen knows how to take the best of the 90s Rom-Com and update it for the 21st Century—Relatively Normal had me entranced from the first page. I laughed, I cried, and I laughed some more--this is one you don't want to miss! Reese Witherspoon will be all over this!

  —Loretta Nyhan, Amazon #1 bestselling author of Digging In

  “You'll laugh, cry, and scream (in a good way), at the utter hilarious pandemonium this lovable family can cause. Meeting the Mastertons this
Holiday season will make you swoon with happiness at the wild, outrageous parties this lovable, kooky Scottish clan can deliver. Bring on the haggis! Whitney Dineen does it again! 5 Humongous Stars!!!” —Ms. Birdlady Book Blog

  “Dineen has a talent for spinning a tale that is both hilarious and heartwarming. I loved this book!”— Becky Monson, author of Just a Name

  "Whitney Dineen continues to delight and surprise with her latest collection of quirky characters in Relatively Normal. You'll laugh, groan, and get all the feels along with heroine Cat when she spends the holidays with her wacky family and finds herself in the center of a very complicated and compelling love triangle. This book is a must-read for fans of Marian Keyes and Kristan Higgins." —Tracie Banister, author of Izzy As Is

  “Relatively Normal is Whitney Dineen’s best book to date. It will have you laughing out loud one moment and swooning the next. Above all it will make you grateful for all the weirdos in your own life that make life worth living.” —Jennifer Peel, bestselling author of The Sidelined Wife

  “Whitney Dineen knocks it out of the park with a laugh-out-loud romantic comedy full of family weirdness and personal revelations. I loved it!” —USA Today Bestselling Author, S.E. Babin

  “I loved Relatively Normal so much! It’s rare a book that makes me laugh out loud but this one did . . . repeatedly! I will be adding it to the top of my list of favorites for 2018!”

  —Annabella Costa, author of My Perfect Ex-Boyfriend

  “I’ve reviewed a number of Dineen’s books, so I expected to have a grand time reading this offering. If anything, it exceeded my expectations. Relatively Normal is definitely not your normal story about in-laws and holidays!” —Jack Magnus, Readers’ Favorite, 5/5-Stars

  “So many LOL moments! I loved reading about a family that may just may be zanier than my own! Don't miss out on this feel-good funny by Whitney Dineen.” —Kathryn R. Biel, award-winning author of Made for Me

  "Hilarious and full-of-heart, Dineen has outdone herself. Relatively Normal is fabulous read."—Karin Gillespie, author of Love Literary Style

  “High-class writing with witty, laugh-out-loud humor. I laughed so hard my face hurt! ” —Joslyn Westbrook, author of Cinderella-ish

  Four Years Ago

  My best friend is a vision straight out of one of those glossy bridal magazines that costs more than a macchiato and breakfast sandwich at Starbucks. She’s well over six feet tall in her heels, slim as a fashion model—except she’s sporting a C-cup no emaciated supermodel would be caught dead with—and her silky brown hair is currently twisted in an impossibly complicated up-do that probably required four professional hair stylists and a drag queen to execute. She’s elegant beyond words.

  I gasp as she spins around, so I can behold her in all her splendor. The sleeveless, beaded-bodice trumpet gown fits her like a glove. “Jasmine Marie, you’re glorious!”

  She giggles, which is a sound you wouldn’t expect to come out of such a stunningly ethereal creature. She spins again, “I’ve never felt so girly! And that’s saying something being that I’m this tall.”

  “Whoever said a month’s paycheck was too much to spend on a wedding dress clearly never saw you in this one. I feel like a proud mother right now.”

  Jazz heaves a sigh. “Speaking of mothers, you have to do me a favor.” My eyebrows raise in interest. She continues, “Watch out for mine and make sure she doesn’t murder my dad’s new wife during dinner.”

  I snort. “Puh-leeze, your mom is every ounce a lady. She’d no more commit murder than I would.”

  “Alas, Brandee—with two e’s— the latest of my dad’s spouses, has just announced she’s pregnant. My mom isn’t taking the news gracefully.”

  “You’re kidding me? You’re going to have a new brother or sister at twenty-nine?” Then I ask, “How old is Brandee again?”

  My friend rolls her big brown eyes. “My dearest stepmother has just turned twenty-four.”

  “I don’t know, Jazz. I think your dad is the one who needs offing in this scenario. I might be persuaded to help.”

  “I would appreciate if no murders were committed at my nuptials.” Then she hugs me, and says, “But I love you for offering.”

  “Oh, Jazzy,” I exclaim, “this day is going to be so wonderful. You deserve every minute of happiness. Dylan is one lucky guy.”

  Brushing a non-existent wrinkle out of her skirt, she declares, “Now all we need to do is find you the perfect man. Three of the groomsmen are single. You’ve met two of them, and the third is the one with sandy blond hair. He’s Dylan’s cousin, Jared, from Detroit.”

  “Detroit? Hard pass.” The sarcasm rolls off my tongue. “I’m not looking for a long-distance love. But have no fear, I’ll definitely scope out the other two. I’m not opposed to meeting the future Mr. Catriona Masterton tonight.”

  She beams. “People often meet their future spouses at weddings. It’s a thing.”

  “So, it’s got to be my turn, right?”

  Jazz playfully punches my arm. “That’s the attitude I love! I just wish you were walking down the aisle with me.”

  I call out to Jennifer, our assistant, “Make sure you pack up all of Jazz’s stuff and take it over to her suite at the hotel. Oh, and before you go, tell Elaine to get the limos turned around out front to transport the wedding party to the reception once the ceremony ends.”

  In addition to being best friends, Jazz and I own a much sought-after event-planning business in Manhattan. We’re the go-to duo known for stylishly executing even the trickiest parties—like weddings where the groom was once married to the bride’s sister—without a hitch.

  I turn to the current bride. “I wish I were walking down the aisle with you too, but someone has to make sure this shin-dig of yours goes off perfectly. There’s a ton of potential business out there, so we have to make sure this is our best party yet. Now, hustle, the bridesmaids are already upstairs, and their procession starts in . . .”—I check my watch— “two minutes, which only gives you seven before it’s your turn.”

  I pick up my friend’s chapel-length train to keep it from getting dirty on the stairs. “Let’s go, lady; your happily-ever-after awaits.”

  We arrive upstairs in the entrance of St. John the Divine Cathedral just as Emily, the last bridesmaid, starts her goosestep down the aisle. Jazz and I stand side-by-side watching her go. As Emily takes her place in the front of the altar, the first strains of Trumpet Voluntary fill the atmosphere like a heavenly serenade. Chills race through my body as I kiss my friend’s cheek and hand her off to her father who will deliver her to her destiny, one Dylan Finch.

  Once the ceremony is over and the reception is in full swing at the St. Regis Hotel, I take off my party-planner hat and put on my dancing shoes. It’s go time. I have my eye on a particular groomsman, whom I’ve met on a couple other occasions. He’s sweet and shy, but super easy on the eyes. I’m not sure we’re destined for matrimony, but a couple of dances would be fun.

  I straighten the skinny navy skirt of my evening dress and prepare for the chase. I take a step forward and wind up doing an unexpected split to the ground. Ouch! The waiter rushes over to clean up the spilled drink I inadvertently stepped in, and before I can begin the process of restoring my dignity, a pair of shiny, black shoes shows up next to me.

  A manly hand stretches out and a deep voice inquires, “May I be of assistance?” He introduces himself. “Ethan Crenshaw, lifelong friend of the groom.” I recognize him from the rehearsal dinner, but I didn’t get a chance to talk to him. Not only is Dylan’s friend chivalrous, but he has gorgeous green eyes that remind me of Maeve’s, my childhood cat.

  I take his hand. “Thank you. That’s very kind.”

  “Let me help you to a chair and then I’ll get some ice for your injury. It’ll keep the swelling down,” he announces.

  Once I’m positioned at table fourteen in the main ballroom, I watch Ethan walk to the bar. He looks good in a way that suggests he’s com
fortable in formal wear, like James Bond. And bam, just like that, I realize I had totally forgotten about the cute groomsman.

  When my knight in shining armor—a.k.a. a black tuxedo—returns, he helps prop my foot up on a chair and states, “There’s a nine percent chance of getting injured at a wedding reception.”

  As far as opening lines go, it’s not the best. Yet, his previous gallantry more than makes up for it. “That seems to be an awfully high number,” I reply. “I’ve been to almost two hundred weddings so far and this is my first injury. If my calculations are correct, that puts my risk at point five percent, nowhere near your estimate.”

  “Two hundred weddings? You must be quite a popular friend.”

  I inform him, “I’m a party planner. I’m Jazz’s partner.”

  “Ah, well then, surely you’ve had a blister, a burnt finger, or a stiff neck?”

  I laugh. “If you’re going to include all the mundane discomforts, I’d think you’d be more accurate to say there’s a hundred percent chance of getting injured at a wedding.”

  He shakes his head. “No, only nine percent, unless my research is wrong.” With a pointed look he adds, “Which it never is.”

  What kind of person researches injuries at weddings? So, I ask, “What exactly do you do for a living?”

  “I’m an actuary. Certainly, not as glamorous a profession as party planning, but it pays the bills.”

  I’ve heard the job title, but I have no idea what it entails. Kind of like an ornithologist. I know it’s something. I just don’t know what. At my confused look, he explains, “Insurance companies and brokerage firms hire actuaries to assess the financial risk of investments and people. I currently work at an insurance company and help set rates, based on the statistical probability of natural disasters hitting certain demographics. For instance, earthquake insurance in the Midwest costs you next to nothing compared to what it does in California, for a reason.”

  “Huh.” I can’t seem to think of any other response.